Progress
Hey all, welcome back. May has been hard (which is kind of the whole point of this post, but we'll get there in a second), so I'm sorry that posts haven't been posted in a hot second. I'm still happy that you're here to read and see this tiny glimpses into my journey in working, adulting, and living.
Like I said, May has been hard. Not in a people have been mean way, not in a work is too much for me way, not in a there are problems that I just can't overcome way, but a way where if I'm encouraged to take each day on its own in a mental health way, then I've had about 20 successive not great days. We're very busy at work, and unfortunately mental health doesn't necessarily take a downturn when everything is fine and dandy. It's generally a lot easier to take care of yourself when things are calm and everything is great, imagine that.
So, as I've done for the past six months now, I sat myself down in the comfy armchair in my therapist's office. And I told him that I was having trouble accepting my own healing journey. I have had a succession of really good months recently, so for May to feel crappy was not only bad timing, but I didn't know what to say to people who have seen me doing well. It feels like a cop-out to turn around and say, "actually, now that we're busy and we need to kick it up a gear, I'm not really feeling great." I have been really supported by the people in my life in this mental health process, so this one bad month seemed like I wasn't working hard enough.
As my therapist always seems to do, he cut right to the root of what I meant and said some stuff that was incredibly obvious and also reassuring. The first thing we discussed was how a bad week doesn't mean a regression. Sometimes it means that healing is actually happening, because I'm getting to the point where I can confront difficult parts of myself head-on and stay there until I find a solution. And even if it's not the case, a downturn doesn't mean I'm starting at square one. It's hard to accept, but sometimes healing doesn't mean returning to 100%. Because mental health is invisible, it can be all too easy to assume that everything is fine, and it can be all too easy to hide the injury when everything is not fine. And I also haven't been super forthcoming with the mental health diagnoses that I've been working through, which is purposeful, so I obviously can't place any blame when people just don't know. That doesn't mean that it's not an injury. People who hurt their feet may not be able to run as much as before, people who tear something in their shoulder may not be able to lift as much weight as before, and people who go through a mental health crisis may not respond to stress and pressure as well as before.
The last thing my therapist did was read his notes from my very first session in November. He pointed out all the things that I've been able to improve on, things that I forgot were even a problem. It's hard to see our own progress as we see every single moment. From increment to increment, we don't change a whole lot. But as we step back and see the process as a whole, movement has been made. To use his analogy, just because a roller coaster goes downhill, it doesn't mean that it's going backwards.
So, my goal for myself remains, the same: treat people with compassion and understanding, especially yourself, and try to remove your own expectations for the healing of yourself and the people you support. I hope the rest of your May is great, and I hope the rest of my May is great too.
Like I said, May has been hard. Not in a people have been mean way, not in a work is too much for me way, not in a there are problems that I just can't overcome way, but a way where if I'm encouraged to take each day on its own in a mental health way, then I've had about 20 successive not great days. We're very busy at work, and unfortunately mental health doesn't necessarily take a downturn when everything is fine and dandy. It's generally a lot easier to take care of yourself when things are calm and everything is great, imagine that.
So, as I've done for the past six months now, I sat myself down in the comfy armchair in my therapist's office. And I told him that I was having trouble accepting my own healing journey. I have had a succession of really good months recently, so for May to feel crappy was not only bad timing, but I didn't know what to say to people who have seen me doing well. It feels like a cop-out to turn around and say, "actually, now that we're busy and we need to kick it up a gear, I'm not really feeling great." I have been really supported by the people in my life in this mental health process, so this one bad month seemed like I wasn't working hard enough.
As my therapist always seems to do, he cut right to the root of what I meant and said some stuff that was incredibly obvious and also reassuring. The first thing we discussed was how a bad week doesn't mean a regression. Sometimes it means that healing is actually happening, because I'm getting to the point where I can confront difficult parts of myself head-on and stay there until I find a solution. And even if it's not the case, a downturn doesn't mean I'm starting at square one. It's hard to accept, but sometimes healing doesn't mean returning to 100%. Because mental health is invisible, it can be all too easy to assume that everything is fine, and it can be all too easy to hide the injury when everything is not fine. And I also haven't been super forthcoming with the mental health diagnoses that I've been working through, which is purposeful, so I obviously can't place any blame when people just don't know. That doesn't mean that it's not an injury. People who hurt their feet may not be able to run as much as before, people who tear something in their shoulder may not be able to lift as much weight as before, and people who go through a mental health crisis may not respond to stress and pressure as well as before.
The last thing my therapist did was read his notes from my very first session in November. He pointed out all the things that I've been able to improve on, things that I forgot were even a problem. It's hard to see our own progress as we see every single moment. From increment to increment, we don't change a whole lot. But as we step back and see the process as a whole, movement has been made. To use his analogy, just because a roller coaster goes downhill, it doesn't mean that it's going backwards.
So, my goal for myself remains, the same: treat people with compassion and understanding, especially yourself, and try to remove your own expectations for the healing of yourself and the people you support. I hope the rest of your May is great, and I hope the rest of my May is great too.
Comments
Post a Comment